Admit It. We Need Each Other
Does needing a partner make you weak? In my opinion no. Jill Scott put it best in her song “We Need You”. Now the word “need” is a strong one and can be interpreted in many ways. When I say “need” I do not mean it in the connotation of saying that a person cannot live without another person, is incomplete without a person or cannot be successful without a person. Obviously needing a person is not the same as needing water, food and air. However, there is nothing wrong with wanting a life partner.
Wanting a person to share your life with, to love you and only you, to grow with both physically and mentally does not equate to you being weak or less capable of being independent. It is a part of human nature. This desire was present in cave men who had their own system of partnerships between man and woman. So, when I hear men and women both expressing their distaste and disdain for the opposite sex, it confuses me.
I want to address my sistas first because I empathize with them the most and have experienced many of the the heartaches that would bring you to the conclusion that being alone is not only better but the only option. “Girl, I do not need a man, F**k having a man. What can a man do for me? I can take care of my baby alone. He does not need a daddy etc, etc”. Girl stop, that is fear talking. True you can do all those things alone but is that what you REALLY want? Many women are afraid of being hurt by the opposite sex and think it to be fruitless to have a lasting relationship with a man. They might have experienced what they thought was a loving relationship and it might have exploded in their face. They do not want to get hurt so, they give up. They push the idea of it out of their heads. They decide that love is non existent and it can never be evident in their lives. Trust me, I get it.
Now for the brothas. Sigh. When I see men treating their friends better than their girlfriends, or wives, it makes me wonder are they gay? Are they in the closet and feel obligated to date women to keep their cover but would really rather be with a man. Naturally the heterosexual man would immediately dismiss what I am saying and explain how his boys should come before his wife or girl. His reasons for devaluing a woman’s worth in his life or placing her second to his boys usually are because they feel on some level that women cannot be trusted and blah blah. Alright, then why be with someone that you cannot trust. Boy stop! Now, if you are in a newly established relationship or not married then I can understand that ideology to an extent. You are still getting to know the person. However, the whole bro’s before hoes thought process is laced with homosexual qualities. Sorry brothas. Especially, considering the fact that in most cases, a girlfriend would be more inclined to be loyal and altruistically look out for the well being of her mate more so than a guy would his friends. There is a certain type of love between a man and a woman that cannot be duplicated in a friendship between males. There is a role that the right woman can play in your life that can be irreplaceable. The same for a woman and the right man. Unfortunately, some men would rather place superior value on their friends while devaluing their women to demonstrate that they are tough. To them, it is cool to place a women in a subordinate role in the realm of your affection. Now you don’t look like a sucka. No, you might not look like a sucka for love brotha but you do look kinda gay. This is not their intention obviously, which is why when I express this to my heterosexual male friends who exhibit this behavior they immediately become offensive. “I ain’t gay man!”. Well then don’t do gay things. Spending more time chasing after your boys than your wife/girl is kinda gay. Brotha, if you are constantly talking about how women ain’t s**t but bit**es and hoes, broes over hoes and other catchy slogans, then do not become offended when I ask you are you gay? Because, if you are talking like that around me I certainly will ask you. How else do you think you will appear to a woman with half a thought process streaming through her?
Keep up with me. This is part of the reason why things are in such disarray between men and women (Notice I said part of the reason not THE only reason). Women are too afraid to “need” anyone other than themselves for fear of the hurt and pain they might go through if that relationship results in them breaking up. On the other hand, men are equally afraid of being vulnerable, whether they admit it or not and would rather place all of their love and affection into the friendships they have with men because it requires a less deep connection.
It may appear that I’m coming down harder on the man and yes I am. Not because I am a man hater, it is quite the opposite. I love men. I love my brothas. Alot. Which is why when I see them exhibiting behavior that is self destructive and makes them look like fools that I have to say something. Truth be told, I see more men with the bros over hoes approach to life than women. It is in their music, movies, and every day culture. Now, in all fairness I do see the independent woman banner being thrown about as well but in many cases there is a balance there. Most women want to feel loved but are afraid of the pain so they give up and channel that emotion into something else like their career. That is something that they can exercise more control over it’s success or failure. In a relationship, you HAVE to work with the partner for it to be successful.
The special love between a man and woman seems to be slowly fading away in our culture. I have nothing against gays however this post is not directed towards you. I am talking to my heterosexual brothas and sistas who have built such a tall wall of disdain and anger towards each other that they forget that the concept of yearning for a partner in life is not only natural but healthy. When you are in a healthy, loving relationship, usually you are a happier person. If you are never happy in this life then what are you here for? Despite what many of the more stubborn kind might admit, everyone likes to feel loved, wanted, and needed.
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I really enjoyed your blog. It was right on the money. I am a screenwriter who is working on a story which addresses this very topic and your piece was very inspiring and insightful.
I definitely think both black men and black women have a problem with admitting that we need each other. I’m nineteen years old and in college and I hear so many of my peers saying they never want to get married, men and women alike. So many people saying they just want to have kids and raise them by themselves and they’ll just have a boo on the side. And when I ask why all the answers point to fear. They say there is no hope in getting married. They say even if you get married you’ll most likely get divorced. They say they don’t want to put themselves out there and get hurt. They say all women are goldiggers. They say all men cheat and lie….even the “nice” ones. They say black men hate black women. They say black women hate black men. They say they don’t believe in love but I have yet to hear anyone say they don’t desire to love and be loved. I don’t care who you are….everyone wants to love and be loved. You can have all the money in the world but what is it worth if you have no one to share it with? I hope one day I’ll meet someone who I can spend my life with. Sometimes I do worry because I see how few black men there are in school and I do want a college educated man. Not because I’m a goldigger or boughie… but because I want a big family and kids cost money. But more than that I want real love. So rare today. I think I’ve only seen it once (in the romantic sense). But that one time was enough to let me know that it’s real and I’m never going to give up hope of finding it.
oh && the song is called “The Fact Is (I Need You”…. “…and even though I can do all these things by myself, I need you…”