I want to grieve. I want to have the freedom to grieve without being judged or called weak. I want to have the freedom to sit in my house and cry all day without feeling like I am annoying my girlfriends. Sad to say that some of my girls are not equipped to comfort a greiving friend in any situation. The immediate response is for their grieving friend to “toughen up girl” or get “over it”. What if it is not time to toughen up? They refuse to let themselves appear to be weak and let the shell down to comfort someone else. If they do then the thought is that the person should quickly get over it. I want to be able to talk to about my emotions without feeling as if I am going to be labeled weak. Sometimes I do not want my reaction to be anger. Sometimes I want to allow myself to be vulnerable. I want to have the freedom to be sad without being told that I am being weak or I need to toughen up if I am crying.
I am currently dealing with the death of my Grandmother. Wait let me rephrase that. She was more than a Grandmother. She was my confidant, home girl, ride or die. She was my best friend. A dynamic part of the reason I am the woman I am today. In dealing with this loss, I am finding that many of my girlfriends, and some family members are expecting me to “hurry up and get over it” or would rather not deal with the situation at all because they feel that by embracing me it would make them appear to be weak as well and they cannot embrace that feeling. In the Black culture and especially among other Black women it is frowned upon when a Black woman shows emotional vulnerability. She is expected to simply pick up and get over it. Take for example when a Black woman ends a long term relationship. While some other women from other cultures are allowed to fall out, cry, be depressed. Their friends are understanding of their grief and do no judge them or expect them to “hurry up and get over it”. As opposed to some Black women who experience heartbreak and are told by their girlfriends “girl get over it” or “he wasn’t even all that”. God forbid that in a moment of vulnerability that you are seen crying by your peers. Oh no. You have truly committed sin.
In the Black culture there is a stigma that the Black woman is expected to be strong at all times. In many situations she is the backbone in families and homes so she had to be strong. I understand it and I truly feel that there is nothing wrong with being strong. However, in being strong there should also be an allowance for being a whole person. A whole person is not always tough, does not always respond in anger when she feels hurt, is comfortable with taking the time to grieve over a lost loved one without feeling weak or as if she is inconveniencing others around her. Black women we are not machines, or shells without hearts, emotions, and deep feelings. It should not be an issue for you to take your time in grieving. Grieve over the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. If you are feeling sad then allow yourself time to be sad. Your immediate reaction does not have to be anger. It is a defense mechanism that is wrongly perceived as strength. A strong woman allows herself to cry, or feel weak if that is how she feels and she grows from it and keeps it moving. She should be allowed the time to heal and be angry, be sad, emotional, just as any other woman from any other race would. Grieving is a healthy way to allow yourself the time needed to fully recover from a situation. No one should ignore it and mock the act of toughness while whatever is bothering you eats at your insides and later appears as some form of heart disease of high blood pressure. Ask yourself, do you grieve?
“No.” “Stop.” “Not interested.” “No thank you.” These and other variations should be part of your vocabulary… 
Change. President Barack Obama chanted that we needed “a change we can believe in” and Sam Cooke sang… 
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Hilary Beard
7 months ago
Hey, LJ –
This is a really important piece. Great observations. Many times our lack of emotional expression contributes to anger, depression and health challenges like hypertension.
Keep up the good work.
Hilary
Deauna
7 months ago
I went through this same thing with my mother. People don’t know how to respond and do expect you to get on with life as if a major part of it wasn’t disrupted. I also realized that people how experienced a similar loss were more able to understand how I felt. Grieve. Your friends care; they just may not know what to do for you.
Yodit Deet
7 months ago
Wow, I can relate. When my grandma, best friend, confidant, my foundation and my mentor passed away, I didn’t grieve like most would. She was a strong black woman and was always there to comfort others. It took awhile for me to realize that she was no longer here. It was not that I was in denial, I was just so accustomed to picking up the phone and calling her everyday. I am in Maryland and she was in NC. Finally, I realized..ok..Yodit..she is gone physically..but she is here with me spiritually. So when I want to see her face or hear her voice I pray to dream about her and it happens. She has never left me, yes she is with me..daily. She has left her legacy behind within me. You are not showing weakness by grieving, you are showing respect and honor to someone who has impacted your life in an awesome way!!
~Yodit
ROZ
7 months ago
Thanks for writing this article. Grandma would be very proud of you.
LOVE MOM
STRAPPYHEELS
7 months ago
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS PIECE.
Seems like you are talking about my life. When I was 4 yrs. old my mother died. My maternal grandmother continued to raise me until I was 11 yrs old and then she died of cancer. Talking about a young girl’s foundation being shook. On top of all that my mom was found dead in our apartment around the holidays and it is still really hard for me to this day to truly enjoy this time of the year. I am 39 yrs. old and a mother of two and here to tell you that you never get over it. It sounds like your grandmother was a true MATRIARCH as mine was and that is something that will live with you for the rest of your days. You no longer have this amazing person around so that you physically speak to and learn from. That is hard to just get over. SHE WAS YOUR GRANDMOTHER! You shall mourn her in anyway you she fit.
Frankie_Kate
7 months ago
Great article LJ,
it is true, ppl always expect Black women to toughen up. After one of my break-ups my mom yelled at me when she caught me with tears in my eyes – “I hope u aint thinking about that boy, what’s wrong with you?!”. I wanted her to sit with me like a “girlfriend” and find out how i feel inside, not make me feel like some weak, stupid person who was foolishly caught up with a person.
I love this piece that you wrote especially the part that says – Black women we are not machines, or shells without hearts, emotions, and deep feelings. It should not be an issue for you to take your time in grieving.
Great Article!! as usaul
MsRYL
7 months ago
I can surely relate! I have always known how to give in to my grief, whatever the reason may be. But, I have found that many don’t know how to “handle” it . . . like it needs to be handled. To paraphrase “Ain’t I a Human?”
An ex of mine flipped out because I had emotional jag. (Yes, I have those moments, too.) He said “Superwoman aint supposed to cry.” AND HE MEANT THAT! Needless to say, that was the beginning of our end because it became apparent that HE wasn’t in touch with himself, when he wanted to put the blame on the “heartless, hard Black woman”. NOT!
Please grieve until you are done … no more, no less.
MsRYL
7 months ago
I forgot to say: my condolences to you and yours on the loss of your best friend!
GreenEyez
7 months ago
Honestly Im glad you wrote this too…because it was only within the last 6 months has this concept of vulnerability been introduced to me as a black woman. All my life in various ways I have been bombarded with the ideals that my feelings arent of the highest importance. And Im not talking the superficial, self centered ones. The brokenheartedness, the feelings of hurt and frustration. Its always been GET OVER IT or GET OVER IT QUICK which no one should be allowed to drown in melancholy and misery for a looooooooong period of time. But how long it takes for one is not how long it takes for another. I believe its a cultural thing… Ms Knight keep challenging the miseducation and negative stereotypes in our community no matter what anyone says. Its time for healing and I can see that you are contributing too “healing” in the black community whether u know it or not.
AnonyMiss
7 months ago
Not being able to confront your emotions is a sign of weakness. Crying is not. If you can cry, you can move past things, come to terms with them. If you can’t, well you might appear ok on the outside, but the pain doesn’t just go away. And with every bad thing that comes it will keep building up until you decide to deal with it. I’m just now learning how to accept and acknowledge my feelings. For used I was told that I was being dramatic or overly sensitive when I tried to express myself and as a result I have developed a serious disorder that I’m trying so hard to fight. Had I just been allowed to cry in the first place, this likely never would have happened. But I internalized all my emotions, and eventually it almost destroyed me. All that pain. I’ve progressed a lot since realizing this and now I can cry again. To most people crying is a bad thing but whenever I cry I actually feel really good afterwards because it’s a way to release my pain and before I couldn’t even do it.