Sometimes, I wish I was normal. Normal in the way that I had no out of the ordinary hopes, dreams or expectations out of my life. Normal in the way that having a $40,000 a year job, owning a home and car with my husband and 2.5 kids would be enough to complete me and keep me positive. Perhaps then, I would not have to grind so hard for everything that I have acquired thus far. Sure I want to be a mother and a wife one day but being that it is not the end all and be all to my life. I want it all.

It is not easy being a female super-hero Hip-Hop journalist. You have to compete in a male dominated field. You often times have to deal with the “Boys Club” mentality where your peers feel that automatically, they know more about Hip-Hop than you simply because they have a penis swinging between their legs. Therefore anything you have to say or offer is null and void. You have to work twice as hard to be noticed or acknowledged in the slightest way and even then, it is only temporary and the slightest assistance they do give you they equate to them saving your life or some s**t (get over yourself). Shout out to AllHipHop.com for being the fuel in my drive to switch from focusing on Hip-Hop journalism. You f**kers suck. You know who you are and aren’t.

This and many more reasons is why at times, I wish I was a woman whose only goal in life was to be married and pop out babies. I’m not dogging anyone who wants or lives that life. I repeat I am not dogging anyone who wants or lives that life (this repetition is for the slow kid in the back of the class who will undoubtedly leave a comment stating that I am dogging women who choose to only be married and have kids). My Grandmother was a stay at home mom and wife and a damn good one. She is someone who I model my own virtues as a woman after to an extent. I say an extent because there is and always will be that lurking desire to reach for what seems to be the unattainable. To want what so many have slammed the door in my face and told me I can’t have yet. Even though I know in my heart that I have given blood, sweat, tuition, long hours, loss of sleep to and are deserving of my “big break”. Yet, it seems that I am never quite there yet. What feels like huge hurdles of progression in my career are in fact baby steps in the eyes of others.

Or even better. Perhaps if I was more of the corporate type, I would not have this issue. My primary goal would be to do my monkey dance bring home my salary while simultaneously climbing the corporate ladder. When you think of the stability, it is some tempting s**t. I can understand why people gravitate towards that grounded lifestyle. When I think of the actual job and how I have no passion for such things, it is depressing. Where is my gun?

Tell me this. How does one stay focused and motivated on their dreams when there is a looming cloud of “Grind harder. You are not there yet” lurking over your should like “Watup lil homie?” Riddle me this. Where do you find the heart and the inner passion for what you do to keep doing it when you feel that you never receive verbal or financial recognition from it? I’m waiting…

Signing Off

La’Juanda “LJ” Knight A.K.A. The Official Female Super Hero Journalist