My girlfriend couldn’t have said it any better. That’s exactly what I was in, my first f’d up relationship. Now I can’t explain in full detail the extent of my situations to protect myself and those involved, but I will give you an insight to some of the realizations I had during the process that really made me question, “What the heck I’m doing?!”

To start off, on a personal background note–I myself, have only been in one serious committed relationship, which isn’t particularly saying too much considering my youth. It was a great relationship, one that many young women my age would desire to be in. I had a stable boyfriend who came equipped with a great family and extensive moral values. I trusted him more than many of my friends that I had at the time and never had any concerns over his whereabouts and with-whom-abouts. However, overtime with the pressures of an expanding social life and attending school at a far distance, my picture perfect first-love romance died.

At that point, being that I had never dated too much before, I decided it was time to live it up a little and ride the joys and perils of a young refined woman on the dating scene. I wanted to embrace my strength and newly found independence by dating all different types of men. I was interested in older men, younger men, rich men, intellectual men, whatever self-proclaiming bravado that came my way and sparked my interest. I wanted to be the fearless venturesome woman toying with men’s emotions for my own individualistic gain that I had witnessed in the movies simply because it looked, entertaining and fun. I wanted to throw my emotions aside and basically act like man. So I did…correction, I tried.

I casually started dating a few different types of men, all who had interesting qualities. The young ones taught me how quickly I had matured, the goofy ones brought out my childlike humor, the intellectual ones expanded my cultural horizon and the rich ones gave me something to look forward to. However, out of all the men, one in particular happened to captivate my interests longer than the rest. I unconsciously stopped dating the others and soon became engaged in just the one.

Blinded and seduced by his age, experience and accomplishments, I fell off the trail of riding the joys and perils of a strong, fierce, charismatic, independent and free woman. I became, in the sense, lost in translation. The man I faced, with whom I thought was my quintessential match, actually ended up having a stronger emotional grasp than I had initially intended for. Many of my strong-willed characteristics suddenly became hidden. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I read the sweet texts, but didn’t see beyond the emoticons. I listened to his voicemails, but didn’t hear the message (the underlying message). I no longer communicated in the ways that I was once so fearless about with the other previous men I had dated. I felt like I was in a trance in a zone that was completely unfamiliar to me. I was always questioning his actions to myself, yet forgivingly answering them with justifications. I slowly went into a spiral of outward silence.

This persona was so uncharacteristic of me. My close friends and family will tell you that I’ve never been one to settle. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely know how to compromise for the sake of peace, but when it comes to knowing what’s best for me or what could be better, there has never been a question on how hard I was willing to work to achieve it. My goals are always met. So how could I let a man enter my life and have a such a stake in the way I valued myself that treated me any less than a gentleman when we were together? I began to answer this question when one of my closest friends, that I share many intimate details regarding my relationships addressed, that out of all of the fun stories I’ve ever shared with her (which she thought were nothing short of amazing), they were always laced with some messed up detail towards the end or somewhere in between. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen the pattern more clearly sooner, but she was right. Out of all the unique experiences I had with this guy, nothing had ever been completely smooth all the way through. The optimistic me was always telling myself, “But look how cool this is…How many people get to experience this?” and “He must not do this for every girl.” Oh and my favorite, “You only live once!”, to which my other girlfriend would reply, “Exactly, you only live once. So be careful.” He brought out my highest highs, but then brought me right back down to my lowest lows.

Contemplating the legitimacy of all the experiences I had encountered with this man, I concluded that RESPECT was the number one issue I was having a problem with. As much as I tried, to “not care and go with the flow” when certain actions bothered me, I learned that I am NOT above my emotions. After all, positive emotions are the key to making and sustaining internal happiness. You cannot receive internal happiness from exterior materialistic things and experiences. Things don’t make you feel good, they just make you look good (which mightmake you feel good, until you see someone who looks better).

So after a lot of thought, talks with friends, family and self-therapy, I came to a conclusion as to why I ended up in this same type of relationship that I dogged out my friends for being in and the same type of relationship women repeatedly put themselves through over and over again. It is because as women we tend to have a certain proclivity towards men’s behavior. Along with making excuses, we give into the,Fear Factor. The fear of, “I’ll never meet anyone like him again,” or the fear of, “But he’s my best shot at what I want in a man. I’m willing to work with it.” No ladies, don’t do that! You end up with, what you put up with. One thing I often told myself was, “God places everyone into your life for a reason” and I still believe he does. But a reason doesn’t constitute for a blessing. It could be a lesson that he’s trying to get you to learn, which in turn could later become a blessing. But what you’re willing to put up with or go through to learn that lesson is completely on you. Just make sure in whichever way you go about it, you don’t lose the qualities that make you, yourself. Learn your lesson and let it prepare you for a future situation. *Remember circumstances are changeable. You don’t live under the circumstance, but under the grace of God. Don’t ever make justifications for circumstances that you are unhappy in.

Parallel to the Fear Factor is the Hope Factor, that we’ve ALL heard repeatedly before. The hope that you’ll be the one to change him. Straight up, he’ll never change and you shouldn’t change yourself for him. People should like one another for who they are, not what they’re made of, so be honest with yourself and clear about your intentions. In order for someone to have any shot of an honest change it would take some in-depth knowledge of learning something greater than what is already known, which could lead to a change in attitude, that mightresult in a change in behavior (along with 5 weeks of adopting this practice). But whose got 5 weeks to spare these days? Just accept, that he’s not changing!

So back to myself– After a couple of demeaning stints, disrespectful occurrences (that I excused for his certain “type of life-style”), and embarrassing encounters, it took a young woman on Twitter, to make me realize what I had got myself into. She referred to me as, “his girl.” Seeing my name attached to this man in the particular context felt so impertinent. All of my life I have worked hard to build and maintain a certain standard and reputation for myself. I intend to keep it that way.

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”–M.A.

Above all else, and I mean ALL else (flashy things included), a man who has interest in a woman should give her his RESPECT, time, and attention during the moments they spend together, which I was not receiving at its fullest capacity. A good woman deserves nothing short of those three things. Despite pop culture lyrics, chivalry is NOT dead. Actually, it’s free. It costs nothing to have manners which is really what impresses a woman.

On a final note, I want to say that I do not regret any of my experiences, good, bad, or indifferent. I learned a lot and am still learning. I am more than grateful for the opportunities and will never forget the memories. I just hope to become more aware and raise awareness for other ladies who ever have to question their worth from a male counterpart. That being said, I’ll end with a quote by one of my favorite poets, Maya Angelou:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Written By: Anastacia Waller

For More Of Anastacia and Her Passionate Writing Check Her Out At AnastaciaWaller.blogspot.com