I was recently asked by one of my readers if I felt that submitting in a relationship or to another person was a bad thing? It can definitely be a challenge for both men and women alike. For some, submitting is allowing yourself to place trust in another person. For others, it equates to being ran over and treated badly for the sake of being in a relationship with the person. This jilted definition is where the fear of submission comes from for some people. Almost every woman I have ever met has either been there or is currently living in that state of mind.

I’m happy to say that I have outgrown my fear of submission in a relationship. However, let me clarify what my definition of submission is as of 2010. Submission when it comes to romance is the act of placing trust into your partner without loosing who you are in the meanwhile. [pullquote]It is the act of loving someone to the fullest but always loving yourself more[/pullquote]. Submission is being comfortable with giving all of your love and affection to this person without reserve. Submission is knowing that winning every argument in order to stroke your own ego is not always necessary while simultaneously knowing what is so nonnegotiable to you that it is worth fighting for. Submission is being willing to give to another person all that they are worth while receiving it in return.

See, I once had it backwards and that is where the problems would come in. I felt that if I just gave and gave and gave a little more in a relationship that eventually, my partner would come around and see that I was worth him giving the same amount of love and energy into. I made up my mind to submit before he was decided on the matter or prepared to give to me. In reality, I should have assessed whether that person was capable of giving the same level of submission and love to me as I was them. Also, determining whether they felt I was worth that level of love.[pullquote] Instead of giving and giving and blindly hoping for a return in investment.[/pullquote] In the past, I would meet a guy and before I had even discovered whether he was worth giving my love to, I would offer it up on a platter. My love meaning: My heart, my time, my affection, my body etc.. That is where a lot of women steer wrong, including myself.

So, I offered this act of submission to this person who never acknowledged that they:

1. Wanted my love.
2. Was at a point in their life where they could appreciate it.
3. Were willing to give the same submission and love in return.

These were MY mistakes. These are questions that most people do not ask themselves before submitting in a relationship. Sometimes they do ask themselves those questions but ignore the warning signs and proceed without caution. When that person does not measure up to the level of submission that they expected then that’s when they feel drained and the resentment sets in.

Just to be clear, sometimes the relationship changes and grows in a positive route. Sometimes, it can grow in the opposite direction and suddenly you don’t feel so inclined to submit. In this case, don’t. I am absolutely in favor of a person taking care of their own emotional state. This is your number one priority not your partners sole responsibility. If you are in a relationship and you suddenly feel that the key components that brought you to the place of submission are no more then feel free to re-access the the situation. Is this person still worthy of your submission and receiving of your love?

So, when asked is submission a bad thing? I have to say no. Submission itself is not a horrible act for a man or a woman. It can be beautiful and something worth protecting with the right person. It is the people that we choose to give this act to that choose not to appreciate/reciprocate it that sours the act of for us. The twisted definition of submission and the negative connotations that come along with it is what makes it scary. I hope for everyone that they are able to experience the freedom of it. I also wish for myself that I continue to experience it in my love life.