I have an observation that I want to share. I’ve come to the conclusion that the some Black men expect far too much from Black women. Far more than what they are willing to give themselves. Again, this is some men, not all. The problem stems from the idea that Black women are expected to fill many roles. We are expected to be a homemaker, breadwinner, lover, counselor, be mentally advanced, but not so advanced that it makes them uncomfortable. We are also expected to understand their needs and to be able to find an appropriate way of approaching them about it without harming their egos. All in a day’s work right?
Well, that depends on the Black man and what he is willing to give. Unfortunately there are some Black men who feel a sense of undeserved entitlement. They feel that they should be able to do minimal and receive the maximum. They do not think that they have to be loyal, work hard in a relationship, give all of themselves to a woman or even share any real emotional connection with her. The kicker to this is while they indulge in the feeling of being entitled they also are subject to the media/slave mentality that convinces them that Black women are subpar. Some of them roll with it and this leads them to compare Black women to women of other races and place those other women on pedestals. When we do not measure up to their ideas of physical beauty or what they perceive a woman of worth should be it only pushes them away more. So not only do they enter into situations with women with unrealistic and sometimes self centered expectations, they also have preconditioned judgments towards Black women versus women of other cultures.
It’s a trick. Ideologies like these were put in place to further tear the Black family unit apart. The idea that a man should be able to give when he decides he wants to give but expect that his woman should come to him with an open heart and mind only places more strain between Black men and women. It also is extremely self centered and child like. This unbalanced relationship then causes women to feel unappreciated and thus yearn for reciprocity. When the need for reciprocity is not filled then she becomes confused. Thinking what is it that she is not doing? Why is she not good enough? Finally the ultimate emotions she may feel are anger and resentment. Thinking that what she gave was obviously never good enough as she was never reciprocated and often deemed to be second best. It becomes a vicious cycle for us all.
I do not have the magical answer but this I do know. The first key to possibly solving this would be that the level of self-centeredness from some Black men has to decrease. You cannot expect so much and give very little. Sometimes the egos must be put at bay. Secondly, Black people as a whole allow the media to influence how we interact with each other entirely too much. We have allowed what they deem to be beautiful and precious to influence how we treat each other and our relationships with one another. Again, this is just my observation about an issue between Black men and women that has been going on long before I was born and at this rate will still exist long after I am gone if we don’t get it together.
Thoughts? Anyone have any solutions to this?
“No.” “Stop.” “Not interested.” “No thank you.” These and other variations should be part of your vocabulary… 
Change. President Barack Obama chanted that we needed “a change we can believe in” and Sam Cooke sang… 
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Frankie Kate
1 month ago
finallllyyyyyyyyy someone sees where im coming from. i have observed this for a long time and my friends get angry at me… Black men doooooo expect more from Black women and think that they can give us little and then turn around and give a lighter skinned woman from another race (who may be less educated by the way) everything she wants. Another thing ive seen, when a black man meets a black woman- he thinks about sexing her for a few months, but when he meets a lighter skinned woman from another race – he thinks about settling down and marrying her. Thats why i dont date black men anymore.
Annelli
1 month ago
I totally feel you FrankieKate! I have noticed the same thing as well. I have come to accept the fact that black men do NOT hold black women in high regards. I understand that black women have they’re issues as well, in addition, it seems as though black men are the ONLY race of men who are willing and ready to place a higher value on a woman who is NOT within the same ethnic or racial group as he is, above a woman who is and to me that it totally crazy…CRAZY DO YOU HEAR?
White men date outstide they’re race as well, but they are not quick to belittle a white woman…if a white man chooses to date another woman from another race, it’s simply that they get along or they share the same interests…white men do not go on a rampage of blaming white women for deciding to date women of another race…when will black men take the lead and do the same? I honestly think black men believe that women of other races are more attractive than they’re own women, thus the placing on pedestals and holding them in high regards. Have you checked out the T.O. Show? Wendy Williams was furious at the guy because, he got “rid” of all the black women who were on the show to begin with. Now some people may say that those women were not attractive, well then why didn’t he pick black women who were???
GreenEyez
1 month ago
@ Anelli honey its not about that they find Women of other races more attractive it is the subconscious mind fuck that women of other races hold more value. You see it on your TV screen daily. TO is a simple mofo to say the least but he wants status and to be seen a certain way and if you are a simple bastard like he is…. you will do what the media tells you. Now many black men say black women need to shut the fuck up. Here is what I fear… I fear that will not remedy the problems at hand. I fear that will not make our men stronger. I fear that until they realize how to take control of their destiny’s say NO to what Western culture has forced upon them, and say Yes to BLACK LOVE than we will be doomed. Get off the man’s heels and maybe you can start to heal…is what I’m saying.
blkman
2 weeks ago
Thank you greenEyez,you nailed it we have and western mentality that is not ours in the first place. Our ancestor understood the value of the womb, knew that all life came thought the the Black Woman, this is key, our brain washing has a great deal to do with this bull that we’re in today, this is way it’s important to get back to our truth, the truth will set you free. That black Queen sat next to that black King but 1st we must really believe in who we are as individuals. History will make profound difference. Thnx GreenEyez
Lew Van Excel
1 month ago
I think its both ways it all depends on what kind of man or women you are dealing with. I put alot of time into my relationship pay all the bills and take care of our kid together. Sometimes i feel like eventhough im handling home while handling myself she isnt satisfied and wants me to do more than i can possibly can do for the moment ive even taken on another job just too have extra money stash for the moments where i guess you can say im inadequate she doesnt work and she doesnt cook and sometimes the sex isnt the best and its all based upon how much of a man she sees me as its weird to say that a man is like that when i believe both parties can be self centered at times. Its all up to the compromise but most people know a days have been dragged thru the mud so much when a good man spits on there shoes they wouldnt recognize it anyway
GreenEyez
1 month ago
Honestly I don’t know what they are thinking. They think we succeed and are aggressive in our careers and such just to smite them. Than we we’re not quick to just accept anything were to blame.
Its kinda horrible.
And the fact that women of other races appear to be seen as more desirable than us is sad. I think its a subconscious thing. I don’t think they realize what they are doing.
Alot of men say they love black women but let me ask you this do you love black women or black pussy…? There is a huge difference. Do youlove our strength, vitality moral fabric, versatility or are we punished for that and written off as over bearing?
I’d like to see the healing and conventional methods prescribed by other races are certainly not what I am speaking of.
lilarie08
1 month ago
I completely agree with you! In the media and in regular life you only hear them say i love me some black women! and then thats it, you dont hear them say what they love about us! now as men of other races will have a full blown list as to why they love their women, and black men do that as well. Some say i only date white women, and then they can list everything they love about them, but they get speechless when it comes to us! I think they forget how strong and confident we are! and they say we are too intimidating, well thats only because they see we dont need them, we only want them for their company and maybe sex! like they say i can do bad all by myself! they see us getting degrees, and making 6 figures and maybe more and then run because they say we are stuck- up! well if you were on the same page and that stage in your life then we wouldnt act stuck-up towards you!
901Redbone
2 weeks ago
Let the church say AMEN! You sure know what to say!
June
1 month ago
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAmen! and might I add hallelujah! I am SOOOO feeling this one! I mean. I’m up in the AM brushing my baby’s teeth and cooking breakfast, down in the early AM because that’s when my shift ends. And still when I get home all I hear is what I didn’t do. Well didn’t I hold this family together when no one else could. Didn’t I stand beside you when no one else would. Didn’t I work when you were feeling to low. Oh, but that’s what I’m supposed to do? Meanwhile where were you?
… I tell you I’m getting so sick of holding it down for someone who can’t lift me up …
woooo, just had to get that off my chest.
GreenEyez
1 month ago
@LK WILL
WHO DO YOU THINK BLACK MEN LEARNED THIS BEHAVIOR FROM?
AMBER ALERT! AMBER ALERT!
A black man who commented on this site that Black men learned there deplorable behavior of how to treat black women from white men.
Very Sad…!
So you are basically saying you have given up your right to be your own man. That you are not an independent thinker? How it takes other men of other races to set presedence on your behavior?
Think about what you just said.
Nope. Shut up. Think about what you just said.
And I bet you one of those conscious types that walk around with a back pack listening to Dead Prez and shouting Marcus Garvy, when the man got you in the head cause your comment just shows your origin and or stance is not apart of the solution but indeed apart of the problem.
Grow the fuck up.
Stop disagreeing and listen for a change.
Maybe we’d get some where.
lk wil
1 month ago
I THINK THE BIGGER ISSUE IS CHARACTER AND INTEGRITY. I TOTALLY DISAGREE THAT BLACK MEN EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM BLACK WOMEN. I DON’T THINK BLACK MEN OR WOMEN EXPECT ENOUGH, MEANING WE HAVE LOW OR BAD EXPECTATIONS. SOME WOULD SAY THAT BLACK WOMEN EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM BLACK MEN. FOR INSTANCE, WE HAVE TO MEET SO MANY CREDENTIALS JUST TO GET A DATE WITH BLACK WOMEN.LIKE CAN YOU GET TO KNOW ME OUTSIDE OF MY MATERIAL STATUS. BLACK WOMEN TEND TO THINK THAT BLACK MEN ARE MORE ATTRACTED TO WOMEN FROM OTHER RACES, THAT IS TOTALLY FALSE. I WILL SAY SOME BLACK MEN FEEL LIKE WOMEN FROM OTHER RACES ARE LESS OF A HEADACHE, MEANING THEY ARE EASIER TO GET ALONG WITH. ANOTHER THING BLACK WOMEN HAVE TO STOP DOING IS DATING MEN OF OTHER RACES OUT OF SPITE TOWARD BLACK MEN. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO WHITE MEN, WHO DO YOU THINK BLACK MEN LEARNED THIS BEHAVIOR FROM? SEE ITS ALL ABOUT EXPECTATIONS, WHEN WE THINK THAT DATING SOMEONE OUTSIDE OUR RACE WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE BETTER BECAUSE THEY ARE ANOTHER RACE, WE TEND TO GO INTO IT WITH A MORE POSITIVE OUTLOOK. BLACK WOMEN DON’T EXPECT GOOD THINGS FROM BLACK MEN, BUT MAYBE ITS JUST THE MEN YOUR ATTRACTING OR BETTER YET YOUR SELECTION PROCESS IS WARPED. I LOVE ALL WOMEN, BUT I ADORE AND ADMIRE BLACK WOMEN. MOST OF ALL I LOVE MYSELF, AND TO ME THIS JUST ADDS TO THE WEDGE BETWEEN BLACK MEN AND WOMEN, LETS NOT LIVE UP TO THOSE EXPECTATIONS!
chngnxpcttn
1 month ago
I think Steve Harvey hits the nail on the head in his book Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man…the man’s just doing what we ladies let him get away with. And we let him get away with stuff based on our own stuff. I’ve seen children do it too. They push the envelope as far as they can until someone gives them some boundaries. My son says grownups are the same people they were as kids. To some degree I think that’s true. We still want to do what has proven a winning strategy for us, until there’s some reason to change.
Basically, a brotha playing a sista will play her until a sista demands more. Then the brotha will decide what he’ll deliver and when he will step to anotha.
I just don’t get why some brotha’s expect so little of themselves. Why do they believe all the hype, yet try to sell us on how the man’s got them down, aka, that’s why I can’t deliver – but you better?
Free Indeed
1 month ago
I am so glad someone else see this problem. I have run into many a brother who wants to be waited on hand and foot. Many men of today have their rolls twisted. The man is suppose to be the provider and do most of the work. If the woman works she should not be expected to come home and do all the cooking, cleaning, and pay half the bills. That is putting most of the work on the female and that is just wrong.
lantanagurl
1 month ago
News Flash! This is not only a race thing. Some white guys are the same way. People are people are people. It does not matter the color of their skin. What differentiates us is our CULTURES and even those lines have become very blurred. Ever heard of or dated a REAL redneck? Woman are servants, at best, in that culture. How about blue collar bubba at the factory? Ever date one of those guys? I have found that the more educated a man is, the more “cultured” a man is, the less he has unrealistic expectations of what a woman is or “should” be. I recently put myself in the ghetto culture so I could better understand it; lived it, breathed it, dated it for 4 years. Being the chair of an organization that deals with ex-offenders & their families required me to really know this culture if I was to be credible, both in that culture & with legislators. I HAD to know what I was talking about! Know what I found? The less educated a man is the more unrealistic his expectations of his woman. The same thing with women. And it didn’t have a thing to do with race…not one thing. It had everything to do with economic status & level of education. The less educated, the stupider he was about life in general. Period.
lantanagurl
1 month ago
not true…my ex-husband is white. I am white. I went to school full-time, worked part-time4, shopped for the groceries, put them away, cooked the meals, ran the kids to soccer practice, etc. den mother for cub scouts, participated in 4-H, cleaned the house, did the laundry, & took my car for oil changes. He: He worked an 8 hour shift! bid damn deal. I did it all and now we are divorced. Why? He had time to screw around while I was busy being super woman. Nope! It doesn’t have a damn thing to do with race. I will say this though. I never saw so many bitter women as I do in the Black community. Why don’t ya’ll flip it & start dating outside of your race? See how they like it???
Isis
1 month ago
I TOTALLY agree with everything you just said. I think WE black women have been too loyal to the black man’s plight. We continue to give them the benefit of the doubt and support them through thick and thin. Brothas say they want a strong woman, but when they get one, suddenly the craving becomes a curse to them. So I think if we expect Equal Opportunity in the work place then why not the same in relationships. Meaning, what’s wrong with dating outside your race? Brotha’s have done it for years. They are not loyal to the sistah circle. Old school would want us to keep hope alive and work with a brotha. NOT!! Life is too short to continue to deal with these brothas who are looking for someone to pick up where Momma left off or they carry so much baggage because ” it’s the white man’s world” Yeah Right! I wonder how far Barack Obama would have gotten if he believed his circumstances was the White Man’s Fault or the Black Woman’s Flaw.
GreenEyez
1 month ago
@ ISIS you mentioned that we have been to loyal to the black men’s plight. I kinda agree with that from a stand point of we see them as having it so hard in the world so we lower our expectations accordingly. But I don’t think that’s enough… as the brother LK WILL on here pointed out…. “They learned their disdainful behavior from white men” – so obviously the impact and influence of other men of other races are greater than what they have going on in their own mind…which is sad. I think the author points that out when she says women of other races appear to be more appealing.
Truth be told Black women are just not built the same way as women of other races are. Our passions, strength and energy on average is much more intense and visible. We don’t really hold ourselves back in our critique of our men, our lives, our own career. So perhaps if they stop looking for a western modern day white girl in a black girl’s body than we can start the healing process. Even African women are much more aggressive in their tone and the way they act and we’re are steady trying to deny what comes quite natural to us.
Shouts out to the lady who said the less educated a man is the more unrealistic his expectations. We know its not all about color or race people are people…. but I guess our vantage point gives way to the ideologies we’re speaking on.
Kris
1 month ago
Maybe as a black woman we are angry for being second best. Maybe we are angry for being put down by the black man for being strong,Intelligent,
independent etc.
Maybe we are angry that to the black man we are not good enough but enough to sleep with but not to be wedded. Maybe we are tired of being told that other races are better to get along with. No, I will not date a white man or another man of color because I don’t need to settle a score. I love myself and that I AM black. But I am tired of being told that we as sisters are gold diggers because we want a man that is actually about something and not a mooching little boy who won’t grow up. Why can’t we have our equal. Black men are the only race of men who down grade their women as to the reason that we are not good enough to date,marry etc…(read other blogs, forums, youtube on this same topic and you will see). I have also read an article on interracial& non-interracial dating and marriages. The statistics are bad for black women. Now tell me what is there to be happy about.
Konundrum
1 month ago
THANK YOU SO MUCH. Every article you read, every married black woman you talk to, every Ochocino Show you watch (which I don’t), the Creflo Dollars, all the Wesley Snipes of the world, not to mention Tiger Woods (good for his ass) tell you that as a black woman you’re not doing enough. Black men are the ones who need to step up and when you say so publically, then they all want to point the finger back at you.
I’m sorry, but my friends are all good women, not perfect women, but good women who have handled their business. Their self-sustaining women of many stations in life who have similar stories. All we have to look forward to is men who have excuse after excuse, babies spread out all across town and the country and for those that are able to spell their name, they expect us to deal with their egos and be one of many women they are dating. Please don’t console yourself with the thought that I’m just a bitter. I’m speaking out for the women who would rather fall in line rather than speak what they know to be the truth.
Women who feel that they have cracked the secret on how to satisfy a black man, such as married women, are also delusional. While you’re giving me advice, some of your men are out with other women and leading secret lives. I believe that it is because our men have very low self-esteem that they choose to mistreat black women. They want to feel that they are better than someone.
When I see a black woman with a man of another race, I don’t hate on her at all. I wish I could ask her where she met him and if he has a brother. In my experience, these women are more often than not, the creme of the crop. Black men get a non-black woman who’s a waitress (no diss intended) and treat her like she’s the First Lady. As someone said earlier, the ones who only read WEB Dubois and lock their hair will be the same ones with a white girl. Black men are just fake!! They don’t like weaves, but they’re the ones who are fake!
To the white woman who held down her household and then ended up splitting up with her husband, no discredit to you, but you are one woman doing what millions of black women do every day and have been doing for literally centuries. Sorry if you don’t get the sympathy on a website aimed at the black audience.
keith
1 month ago
As a People , we have forgotten what the struggle was all about…I don’t know what kind of brothers these sisters are running into, but the brothers that are about us being empowered as a nation want a strong woman that he can stand behind if need be. I’ve heard many times of brothers who held it down while supporting their woman as she went to school to finish getting that degree, then get kicked to the curb after she has attained it. This society that we live in today is all about ME and not about WE…Everyone needs to fall back and take a look at themselves and Overstand where we are headed as a nation…Everyone’s living beyond their means on some selfish sh**…Our people stuck together better when we were damn near still in slavery compared to right now- Both sides are at fault, no doubt!!
ulysses
1 month ago
I have no expectations of women, period.
Hopes, desires, things that I will and will not accept in a relationship.
But no expectations, especially of Black Women.
What’s the point of waiting in anticipation for someone to do or be something that’s not with in their reach.
I don’t allow my sisters to disappoint me.
gryph
1 month ago
lol. this is soo funny. the writer says that the expectation things has black men running to non-black women and that’s part of an ideology to “keep the black family apart”. a wht woman comes on here and and says calls blk women bitter, and that the remedy isn’t their emotional maturity per se, but to date outside the race. isn’t that “keeping the black family apart” too. lol. and you wonder why they outsmart you all every generation.
the ridiculous expectation/standard thing goes both ways. women has a whole bunch of contradictory expectations of men, and often use shifting demands to cover up that they haven’t overcome past bitterness – or grown up emotionally. often the behaviour is based in the deep anti-blk feelings that blk ppl have – particularly toward family.
i suppose black women have been more “loyal”. but, everyone knows that loyalty is never free, and the main reason they’ve been “loyal” is because men of other races, for racist reasons, were happy to sleep with them but didn’t want them as wives. now, to spin the consequence of social circumstances as some sort of race devotion is lame and wrong-headed and, in fact and example of the lack of emotional maturity i’ve been describing.
just as both blk men and women contribute to the strong and beautiful things in black relationships (and lets not “forget” about those because there are plenty), they both contribute to the dysfunctional, unhealthy ones. any side – male or female – that puts the blame solely on the other is dodging responsibility and contributing to deterioration not just of blk ppl but society in general.
Delwyn x. Campbell
1 month ago
I have been doicorved for almost a year now. I was talking to my ex the other day, and I brought up that I regretted going to college now, because we were doing things before I went to college that we had to stop for financial and time reasons. Since then, our marriage just crashed, her daughter (not my child)created a situation that got blamed on me (she hacked an email account I no longer used and used it to join some questionable websites and contact people). ultimately, I was accused of cheating, when I was so busy going to class and studying, I no longer had time to continue th ework I had been doing before.
The only thing that I ask for is a Black woman who will love me and my 9 year old son, who will pray for me, not make the path to her heart an obstacle course, and rejoice when I rejoice.
Becasue I am completing my credentialling requirements, I don’t expect to have much of a dating life right now. My priority is taking care of my son, which I do alone. I just hope that when I am a credentialed teacher, I can meet a nice sistah who will be a partner with me, rather than a competitor against me. I don’t need a lot from her, since becoming a single parent, I have learned how to take care of a lot of stuff muyself. It will be nice to have a partner in the kitchen, adn I guess I should have done more of this when I was married.
We either learn from our past or relive it. One lesson I did not learn from my oast is that Black women are less than other women. I still believe that “ain’t nuthin’ like a sistah!” and I want my son to know that a good black woman makes a great wife.
Sean
1 month ago
There are people that expect the average & people that want the impossible in every race. They is selfish high standard women & men in every race. Truthfully speaking, if you meet some one that’s is way above your standards then you need to leave that person alone because you’ll never make them happy. Women & Men of all races do this do each other. This is not a race issue, it’s a standard status issue! There are men that want the impossible from a woman and vice versa. Now this blog may be written from personal experiences and that is fine but we also must look at other peoples experiences too. Not every relationship deals with this problem. There are good couples that get along with minimal problems because they meet each others needs. All in all the facts are some peoples standards are way too high for others and that is a signal that you don’t need that type of person. That’s just how simple it is. Complaining how sorry men & women are is not going to make them change. If you don’t meet his or her standards or they don’t meet yours, the solution is very simple right, I thought so (leave that person alone)! I know I’m running on here but let’s talk some facts real quick:
1. For whatever reasons most people in our current culture feel they are entitled to a certain type of person (NOPE! if you have certain standards I must meet in order me to be with you, you better meet those same standards also!)
2. The demography of your area. There are decent understanding people in every state or city. But sometimes some places have more of a certain type of people than others. For example usually metropolitan areas will have more outgoing people with many professions. And in this day and time it’s all about status.
3. Character and attitude! This is a big one here and I see where men & women go wrong with this. Now since this blog is focus on black men & women let’s talk black then. Not all, but I see so many bad attitudes in the black community, I mean a true simple greeting of “good morning” and you get the sour face expression as if they want to say “wtf you want” seriously people I mean who wants a person who’s standards are so high that only certain people can speak or greet them. WHO ARE YOU THAT SOMEONE CAN’T SAY HELLO! Sadly but I see this with a lot of black women & some spanish & white women in urban areas, not all but a very high percentage in certain states and cities I visit. Think about it, if people can’t speak to you because of status, well there are people that will speak & be open to those you feel that don’t meet your standards. Let me reiterate, not all black, spanish or white do this but it is very prevalent today!
4. Race! This is the big one people..lol. No let me first say this, most people have a preference and being that they do they have already limited themselves to what they prefer. If you can’t find that preference that you’re looking for which is usually (a good looking man with money) then you may want to drop your standards a bit. I mean does he really have to be black or white with millions of dollars? Can he be black, white or spanish with a decent job and good head on his shoulders? See people we make it harder on ourselves when we hold race, money and any other physical attributes over having a good person with good standards and morals. If you are looking for the perfect RACE in a mate, then you better consider the human race without color because all this pro-black pro-white mentally will leave you searching forever for something you will not fine!
Last but not least, this is coming from a black/native american man, I don’t look at a woman’s skin color I look at her standards, her beliefs and how she carries herself and if that woman can see the same things in me and we share these same values, well that woman can be black, white, spanish, greek, german, indian, arab and any other ethnic background I left out…..let me leave you all with this: IF YOUR PREFERENCE AND STANDARDS ARE TOO HIGH YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER FIND WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING BECAUSE IT DON’T EXIST!
Quesha
1 month ago
A perfect example of a man that does NOT live in the tidy box of stereotypes of some black women. Thank you for making your presence felt!
Aquia
1 month ago
Wow. I just discovered this site from a friend. Powerful and beautiful BLACK People speaking on this site. A Beautiful Thang. I am moved and impressed. Thank You.
I agree with so much that has been said on this string…
I would like to add to the discussion that I feel that Like attracts Like. If we are attracting a man who not honoring us, are We honoring ourselves?
Also…
Are we prepared to give what we are expecting?
Are we prepared to examine out OWN preconceived notions, instead of only attacking the brothas and our interpretation of THEIR preconceived notions (that we Black women are less attractive, difficult to please, too bossy, required to take care of Black men without reciprocity, etc)?
I truly feel that at the end of the day, if we are to be a magnet for the Black Man we want in our life, we need to examine our “stuff,” shed our “stuff,” and become open to loving the right Black Man unconditionally. I’m not saying loving a Black man, but, a Black Man.
If he is not a Man – he has no place in our space, period. If he acts like a boy – there should be no intimacy and really, he needs to keep it moving…We should only commit to raising our own children – not an adult.
If he doesnt appreciate your beauty, bump ‘em – there are PLENTY brothas out here who LOVE black women.
Most importantly Ladies, we as Black Women MUST examine how we TRULY feel about the brothas…are we angry with them for disappointing us? Do we resent them? Do we feel superior to them? How do we feel about our father (if he was around)? These are key questions, I think, bc sadly, many of us have issues with Black men…it’s the truth. I truly think that’s why many of our Black Men are choosing others…bc many of them dont receive the nurturing, support and love from us bc deep down, we are angry, resentful and hateful of them…for a plethora of reasons…and yes, the Willie Lynch tactic is alive and kickin’!
If we love black Men, they will love us, bc they will gravitate to that love…bc true, unconditional love from a Black Woman – hmmmph – is more powerful than ANYTHANG!!!
just my little 2 cents…
Quesha
1 month ago
CO-SIGN!
Steven Gully
1 month ago
I do not undervalue Black Women, nor do I expect more in a relationship then I give, however I state what I’m willing to put into the whole deal upfront, and initially that is less then total commitment. Some women find the honesty refreshing rather than a guy who sells them a dream in order to get sex. But along those lines some women feel that they can change my mindset after they have been with me for a while and all of a sudden the relationship is “one sided” when I haven’t moved from what I initially put out there on the table. Now she’s giving and I’m taking. I don’t see it that way, these changes and moves in the relationship need to be discussed and then mutually agreed upon not sprung on me out of the blue. Then I get the evil eye or whatever for having done her wrong.
Aquia
1 month ago
Respectfully my Brotha Steven – Have you ever met a woman who is TRULY down with uncommitted intimacy over the long term?
Quesha
1 month ago
This kinda of blog is exactly what keeps black men and black women at each others’ throat and it sickens me. Especially when women use their limited scope and runs ins with sucky men to make their observations. And black men do the same thing when they talk about us…and guess what? Nothing ever gets resolved.
How about this, PICK BETTER MATES AND SET STANDARDS IN THE BEGINNING!! AND BE MAN/WOMAN ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY WHEN THOSE STANDARDS ARE NOT BEING MET! UGH!! All the bitterness just makes me sick. Men learned their behavior from somewhere and it was NOT from the white man. It was from the enabling women that allowed him to keep getting away with sucky behavior. If you demand more, stick by your requirements, and be willing to leave if he strays, guess what? He probably won’t do the same thing to the next woman.
The problem comes when the weak woman keeps TRAINING these men’s behavior. He cheats…she takes him back. He doesn’t have a job…she “Holds” him down. He doesn’t help with housework…she stays quiet. HOW IN THE HELL IS THE WHITE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT?!? And if you tell me that you haven’t witnessed a black woman doing any of the things I just mentioned you’s a gotdamn lie!
So women, y’all want men to act right?? Really, act right?? Well leave him when he is wrong. We have to be strong enough and wise enough to know that people treat us how we DEMAND to be treated. So cut out all of the black man bashing because it will get you no closer to a united black man/black woman relationship. It will just put them on the defensive and push the ones away that doesn’t fall into your nice neat stereotype. [End rant.]
Aquia
1 month ago
Well ALRIGHT!!! I Co-Sign to THAT TOO SIS!!!!!
We need to set a standard and live by it, period.
And, practically speaking, when we meet these brothas – take time to observe and discern…true colors show over time…aint NOTHIN wrong with takin’ yo’ time….and, a Man respects that. A boy does not.
And, aint nothin wrong with being alone for a while either…we can work on ourselves and prepare for that Man while we’re alone…
Konundrum
1 month ago
Well damn Quesha. I’m gonna shut up now. You said it all. Except for one thing, what do you do when you get tired of being blamed for having standards. When you’re over 35 and single people want to assume you’re gay or that you’ll never get married. They don’t say anything to the women who marry and divorce numerous times or that have babies with numerous men. They call them the “super, struggling, single mothers” and give them praise.
KineticSole
1 month ago
I have not read through all of the responses, but there needs to be a correction. It is Chad Ochocinco that has the reality show, not T.O. T.O. gets enough flack without adding this to it. Chad is the idiot this time.
Now, I agree with the article. I say that we just let these men be. Most of these men are dating and even marrying women that are nice arm pieces (to them). Eventually, someone screws up (e.g. Tiger Woods and Tiki Barber). I know there are others, but I can’t think of them right now. What Tiger and Tiki have found out is that women are women. We all basically feel and believe the same things. Elin gave Tiger a beat down. Tiki’s wife (he left his asian wife for a white chick) is giving him a beat down in divorce court and barred him from the delivery room when she was having their twins.
So, if black men are stupid enough to think that one race of women is better than another, then they deserve whatever mess they get.
shaulyn
1 month ago
I have not read every response here, but I am a living breathing example of this article. I consistantly experience black men who want the world from me and offer me zero up front, nothing. Its as if you are an afterthought to everything and everyone else, and supposed to be okay with that and if you aren’t you are called out of your name. Chad has demonstrated that he’s willing to accept women with low moral character, and where does he think that will lead exactly? So much propaganda out there, and its hard to find a strong willed strong minded black man who hasn’t bought into the hype.
Black Men Expect Too Much From Black Women « CouchTalk w/Anjanette
1 month ago
[...] Black Men Expect Too Much From Black Women. [...]
reefinyateef
1 month ago
Quesha’s comment above is right on target. It’s all about being happy with yourself and then setting standards that you won’t waver from. The key is that the standards can’t be materialistic or out of wack.
This is a universal problem that, like most, is magnified in the Black community due to our numbers.
ksweet
1 month ago
All I want is to be able to treat my man good, because I feel if I do he won’t go nowhere. But somehow I feel taken advantage of sometimes. Not saying I need the exact same in return but give me something. If for his birthday I get a room decorate, get some of his favorite things, the champagne, desert, several gifts etc and all I get for my bday is a card imma feel some type or way. So he don’t have money to do that for me fine get me my favorite flower decorate his house with candles and rose pedals, draw me a bath and cook me dinner. That aint got to cost you that much. For me its all about the thought that counts. But if all you give me is a card where all you did was sign your name imma feel cheated. I think sometimes being that I’m in the position that I have more money I tend to do a lot more physical things like buying things or paying for things but when I do that and see that you don’t even try to hold your own weight we feel taken advantage of. Just because I pay for dinner today now all of a sudden when ever we go out you looking for me to handle that and don’t even offer to help. Or never coming to see me I’m always coming to see you and don’t offer no gas money. All I’m saying is be considerate. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for yet we get treated like it is. I dated a guy who was extremely busy had 2 full time jobs 2 support his 2 kids and pay his mortgage. So we hardly went out and I usually didn’t get a chance to see much of him but knowing I liked to talk on the phone we would talk for hours during the day. Because he did that for me I didn’t mind that when I was with him cooking, cleaning his place, doing his laundry and ironing, buying stuff for his house. I didn’t mind cuz though he wasn’t giving me (money wise) what I was giving him he gave me something I valued more and that was his time. I think maybe guys think they can’t give on the same level and just don’t do anything because they feel they can’t compete. But I don’t want him to compete give me what matters most…time, love, conversation. If we did that we’d be happy. I know I would LOL!
Tiffany
1 month ago
All I can say is DITTO.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
DeannDmere
1 month ago
They sure as hell do!
But they betta shut they’re pie hole and take what I’m givin!
vonn
1 month ago
I hate to sound negative against the black man but what she is saying is true. I have no complaints about anyone choosing to date outside of the race because I do too. I have noticed that black men hold black women to a different standard than they do women of other races. a black man looks for a black woman who is educated, gorgeous, bangin body, have a good job, must care for them and the kids like their mothers did, be church going, good in bed but not too much of a freak. the standard for a white woman is; does not have to be educated, does not have to be too good looking & can even be over wieight, does not have to have any qualities of their mothers, does not have to be in church and they prefer them as freaky as possible, lol. It is so true that they do expect us to be superwoman and have it all when white women just need to be “white” that is the only requirement. It is so sad they think so less of themselves that many don’t think they are capable of getting a quality white woman. It’s really sad that I feel so relaxed when i’m dating men of other races, I feel so much pressure to be perfect when I am with a black man!
Jae
1 month ago
I agree with this, but this is self hating Black man not all. This is the type of Black man who will require a supermodel for a Black gilfriend (who he will take for granted anyway) but will often take an average to ugly white girl and treat her like a prize. But I also want to correct those people who were saying it is up to women to raise their standards and thereby correct men’s behaviors.
NO! Don’t you women get it? That is the problem in the first place and partly what this article is addressing!! EVERYTHING is put on the shoulders of Black women. Have you ever asked yourself WHY you think it makes any sense to make Black women responsible for Black MEN’S morals and character?? A Black woman should not be blamed for the way any man is behaving because she supposedly ‘let it happen’, the man should be blamed for the way he is behaving and chastised and ostracized enough by both females AND males to where he does not behave that way anymore.
Women often verbally speak out against bad males in the community, but the missing component in this is that males are not doing the same. They are not ostracizing woman beaters, woman abusers, or men who they know are cheaters, liars, manwhores, and users of women etc. They are actually easily befriended, lied for, and dapped up and congratulated for their abuses. Even further, these men’s behaviors are often DEFENDED so to speak by Black men because they deflect away from the wrongs these men do to talk about the choices of the women who were done wrong and put the blame on her. This is wrong!
I really feel like we are the only community in the world whose solution to problems is to blame the victim.
PRINCE NOVA
1 month ago
HOW LONG WILL RAGE AGAINST OUR SELVES.
IT’S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE EXPECT; AS A BLACK MAN, IT’S ABOUT WHAT WE DON’T EXPECT. WE DON’T EXPECT TO BE SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY. WE DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE OUR SEED POISNED AGAINST US. WE DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE OUR CHARACTER ASSASINATED IN FRONT OF GOD AND THE ENTIRE PLANET. WE DON’T EXPECT FOR YOU TO TURN STATES EVIDENCE AGAINST US AND RETURN US TO THE PLANTATION AFTER WE’VE COME SO FAR. WE DON’T EXPECT FOR YOU ALL TO REFUSE TO REMAIN FULLY DRESSED IN PUBLIC. WE DON’T EXPECT THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU SPEND YOUR INCOME ON HORSE, INDIAN AND JAPANESE HAIR THAT WE CAN’T RUN OUR FINGERS THROUGH IT. WE DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE OUR CHILDREN AND OUR FUTURE ABANDONED AND LEFT HOME ALONE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO KEEP UP WITH THE JONES. WE DON’T EXPECT THAT IF THINGS FALL APART THAT YOU WILL ABORT OUR SEED AND DEFEND A WOMANS RIGHT TO DO SO. WE DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE OUR INTIMATE BUSINESS PUBLISHED IN THE CIRCLE OF YOUR SISTERHOOD. WE DON’T EXPECT FOR YOU TO BE DISLOYAL, MANIPULATIVE AND UNFAITHFUL WE DON’T EXPECT FOR YOU TO CHOOSE US IF WE ARE NOT QULIFIED….
NO NO NO YOUNG LADY.
IT’S NOT ABOUT WHAT WE EXPECT.
IT’S ABOUT WHAT WE DON’T EXPECT.
PLEASE CONFESS SOME MORE.
EXACTLY WHAT NOW IS YOUR, I MEAN, OUR RESPONSIBILITY?
AT THE END OF THE DAY EACH GENERATION PICKS UP WHERE THE LAST GENERATION LEFT OFF.
IN MY OBSERVATION AND THROUGH THE EXAMINATION OF OUR HISTORY, POST PHYSICAL SLAVERY; WHILE ALL OTHER NATIONS AND PEOPLES ARE UNITED IN FOCUS TO ADVANCE TECHNOLOGY WE REMAIN MIRED IN THE MUD, ADVANCING NOTHING MORE THAN OUR ABILITY TO ARTICULATE OUR DISTRUST AND HATRED FOR EACH OTHER.
TO MY NUBIAN BROTHAH’S, BEING A MAN MEANS MUCH. WHAT IT DOES NOT MEAN IS TO ENTERTAIN OR FOLLOW SILLY WOMAN.
TO MY NUBIANS SISTAH’S, THE BLACK WOMAN DOES NOT NEED TO EVOLVE. ALL SHE NEED DO IS SUBMITT TO GOD’S ORIGINAL DESIGN FOR HER;
MOTHER OF CIVILIZATION
QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
WE AS A PEOPLE NOW POSSES THE RESOURCES TO REGAIN OUR THRONES YET CHOOSE TO REMAIN AFFLICTED, DESPERATE AND DESOLATE.
LET US ALL STAND UNITED IN CONTEMPLATION AND TAKE IN THE WORDS OF THE LATE MICHAEL JACKSON.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE MIRROR.
PLEASE DON’T TELL ME; THAT HE’S PERFECT.
FOREVER THY GUIDE, DEIFIC MIRROR
KEEPER OF THE FLAME AND ETERNAL BONDSMAN
Prince Nova
vonn
1 month ago
To PRINCE NOVA, I agree with alot of what your saying, and this shouldn’t be a one-sided issue of course we as black women have to take responsibility for how black men percieve us and why they feel the lack of respect for us. I see some of these black women that many black men run away from, the kind that demean themselves and try hard to demean the black men that there with. Unfortunetly, I watched a woman like that literally run my brother into the ground and it made me look at myself and say, wow, have i ever treated a man that badly before? I had to actually watch a man that I loved and knew to be a GOOD husband, father and human being be put down & unappreciated in order for me to see how badly a woman can break down a man. I don’t want to sound like I am putting all of the blame on our black men because yes, of course, some of us black women aren’t happy with ourselves and we often take that out on our partners. But in response to the contents of this article it is true that there are black women like myself who are happy with themselves and want a man who will allow them to just be a woman and make mistakes and not be perfect and just sit back and be feminine like women of other nationalities are allowed too. I stated on a previous response to this article that I feel so insecure when I date a black man because I know that he is looking for perfection. I am currently in a relationship with a european man and when I’m with him my guard is totally down, I feel like I can be goofy, I can be natural, I can be more succesful than him and he still loves me for it. Sometimes I wish so badly that I could find a black man that can look at these qualities in me and find them beautiful and endearing, I just truly wish that we as men and women could just appreciate each other and look and judge each other as individuals. This whole situation makes me think of the days of slavery when the plan was to keep black folks divided and I am starting to feel like the plan is finally working, we are more divided than we’ve ever been! I challenge every black man and woman to start today without the negative attitudes and judgements of each other, when you see another black male or woman today smile, give a compliment show the world that we do love each other! We can be whoever we want to be, we can date whomever we want to date, look how we want to look but we have to respect each other! I am going to start today with changing my perception of black men because I know that there are many out there who are great! To my Brother rest in peace you were an AMAZING black man and I know you weren’t the only one!
Tone
1 month ago
Black men how many of you have been turned down by a woman based of your height or was told that you was to nice. or was put in the friend zone because some silly thug was fucking her good and you was just the guy she went to for advice. How many men have seen a dude you know is no good get a good girl and you tell her he is no good and she say you are jealous. Black women if you set up what you want in a man you would not have this problem of felling like you are doing everything in the relationship
Konundrum
1 month ago
Tone,
How many times is a black woman told that she’s too fat or that she can’t cook? How many black women are raising children by themselves?
Maybe you’re not attractive to the women you want to be with. Find somebody who wants you. Black men have many more choices.
Konundrum
1 month ago
Tone baby, learn how to spell.
Stephanie
1 month ago
I agree and understand fully well where you are coming from. Well said.
Terri
1 month ago
Black men are way too spoiled, greedy, selfish and self centered. i know not all black men aren’t like this but the majority are. It is very sad to see how black men are so influenced by the media that it sickens me how they can be so weak when it comes to mainstream media. And not to mention black men always say that black women are gold diggers. Hello, white women are raised to marry money so when you (BM) are dating and marrying Becky and she takes you to the cleaners because you cheated on her, don’t look at the black woman (who been by your side since day one) for a shoulder to cry on because now you are really doing to much. If you don’t want us, then fine. Just don’t get mad when you start noticing a huge number of us black women dating and marrying outside of our race.
loanguy70
1 month ago
prince nova i agree with you its to much black men bashing on here to the sisters look at yourselves and understand your roles
Black on Black « Blog of Duty
1 month ago
[...] looked at a post called Black Men Expect Too Much From Black Women. It was written by LJ Knight for a site called Yeah…She Said It. Here is what she had to [...]
spoonster
1 month ago
I have known since I was a child that relationships amongst black couples were…different. I also noticed how the preachers said that husbands were in charge because they were the responsible party, but tv and the like speaks on this magical “50-50″ relationship. I don’t know which figure is the correct standard, but I do know that in ALL black relationships I’ve EVER seen, the woman has been contributing far more than her requisite fifty percent. And in the back of her mind, during the whole relationship, she knows without a shadow of a doubt that if the relationship goes sour, she WILL be left with the kids. Our black men, mine included whom I adore, are LAZY and MISGUIDED. The damn xbox takes priority over making money, changing diapers, putting the damn juice carton back inside the refrigerator, taking out the overlly full trash, or coming to rub o ya woman’s body. I not only feel like I’m playing second fiddle to tv’s imaginary perfect woman, I feel like I’m playing last chair completely! It’s one thing for your man to want you to keep a bangin’ body, or a nice hairdo. But it is totally different when he chooses electronic devices over you. I know my man loves me, and by the way, he SAYS he doesn’t do white women and never has,but as much as I know I have his heart, dammit I want his hands too. I NEED HELP. Consistent help. Help and contributions I can rely on. I need to know that in this awful recession you are diligent about making money and saving money. I need to know that you will pay YOUR child support on time without me telling you to. I want to be sure that you will set a good example for our sons when I’m not there. Not hollering out rap phrases full of nonsense before the kids can even read. my biggest pet peeve is him not trying to speak english as correctly as possible so our boys won’t prove to be dumb as rocks in front of their white classmates. but the husband thinks repeating “yes you is” is harmless. Okay now my ranting is done. Pheww!!! That felt great. And tonight buddy had the NERVE to ask me why I don’t go down on him more often. I told him to earn the shit. He then shows me numerous white girl blogs about how they do it as much as possible. Mmmm hmmm. Just like I thought. Buddy doesn’t have a job, home, bank account,or a big dick, but white girls give them whatever they want whenever they want it. Hell, that’s the only tool I have on my belt to HELP the husband reach his potential. LOL. Okay, I’m done for real this time.
Its All Gravy
1 month ago
People got their priorities fucked up from what I’m reading!
lilarie08
1 month ago
I don’t think we can put all the blame on just black men,because it’s black women too! we seem to play mind games with each other trying to get the other to do what we want. Black men are seen to be dead-beat dads, and dogs, etc… But if thats wht you show then thats what your goning to categorized as. Just like ppl have the assumption that all blck women are loud wild, ghetto, etc… well thats not true either, some may have their ghetto moments, but thats about it! if we stop putting each other down then maybe we can put a stop to this! but dont go and date someone of another race just to prove a point when in reality you love black men/women. It’s just stupid! We as women need to stop expecting so much and start helping them out. Don’t expect a man to buy you furs and diamonds, when you can’t even afforrd it yourself. To be in a relationship or marriage is about partnership, dont expect them to put forth 100% and your only giving up 50%. It’s not fair and it’s just not right!So instead of complaining she/he dont do this and she/he dont do that, how about you do it together, and then see where that gets you!BUILD EACH OTHER UP INSTEAD OF PUTTING EACH OTHER DOWN!
NE
4 weeks ago
No one on this Earth has it tougher than a black woman. I think that the problem is that we black males expect very little from ourselves. I just finished reading through most of these comments and find it odd that the role of rap/hip-hop in our culture hasn’t been mentioned more. I think it’s played more a factor in programming our people than we give it credit for. It’s solidified a “look-at-me and what I got” mentality amongst a very large population that is young and impressionable, minus the means and the where-with-all of how to accomplish it. Self-induced struggles and unbecoming characteristics are glorified and celebrated in this culture, while the true day to day activities and successes are mocked, if even mentioned at all. The black women (all women in general for that matter) in most of these scenarios are portrayed as objects or things to show off to the public that they expect should be gawking at them.
Let’s face it…It’s a culture that knows more about some random n!gg@ named Lil or Yung something or other, that they’ll never know, meet, or has a single concern for them, than they do most of their own immediate family members.
It ain’t ya’ll, sistas. The White, Asian, Indian…whatever girls are going through the same thing with brothas, they just put up with the b.s. longer, and have actually become easier targets for that very reason.
Once we get over the “We Gotta Be A Superstar” mentality, the better off we’ll be as a people. It’s like we either have the highest, most unrealistic expectations of ourselves, or nothing at all…and it usually becomes the latter once reality sets in and unfortunately, the majority of whom I’m speaking on haven’t got a clue how to progress once they get to that point where stardom isn’t going to happen. We’re image-conscious, but with no discernable image of who we really are or what we should be about. That’s so sad it’s almost funny.
The way I see it, brothas (the ones we’re speaking of on this topic) have to fix themselves first before they’ll prove useful to anyone else. How that gets accomplished is real answer. A person that doesn’t know who they are can’t do much for anyone. I think it’s a blessing in disguise, if you ask me.
eargasm29
4 weeks ago
I have been reading most of the comments left and I can agree with a lot of the opinions I have read on this topic. This is a topic I and many of my friends often discuss and I totally agree that black men expect too much from us black women. I am 30 and single and I have been dating for 4 years and I too did believe that maybe I was expecting too much by wanting someone that is the total package so I’ve opened my mind and dated shorter men, less attractive men, ones without education and in my “quest” to find a descent black man I’ve gotten the same results. I am intelligent, educated, hard-working and I’m not a gold-digger or needy or crazy and neither are the majority of my friends but yet we are still single. I also believe that we should be willing to give what we expect from a man and I agree with one person who said “Like attracts Like” I agree totally but at the same time I refuse to believe that of all the women on this site and women I know personally that we all r unlike what we desire in a man. I believe a lot of it is our options. I have considered dating outside the race but I would not be sincere in doing so. I am hopeful that I will meet a man that is willing to share in responsibility. Great topic, I hope one day we will find a resolution.
Reacharound
4 weeks ago
Women, black or white, who are too heavy-hearted and conservative will not keep a man. Well, maybe a boring man.
YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW
4 days ago
Hmmm, NOPE, I just want a women,but I wouldn’t mind if BW had at least 62% of what you mentioned. Oh, minus the weaves,permed or unnaturally colored hair. The whole blue,green,hassle(mspl),or purple contacts kind of tick me off as well.
Point is that, it’s hard to convince me a the straight haired,BLONDEST, BLUE EYED BW can honestly say she BLACK AND PROUD. Or can really complain about the US Euro-centric beauty standard.
Anthony
12 hours ago
http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-21263202.html
“Beckett and Smith’s (1981) comparative study indicates that Black husbands were more likely to share the housework and childcare with their wives than White husbands, whether their wives were employed or not. Shelton and John (1993) also show that Black husbands, on the average, spend longer time than White husbands on household work.”
http://www.ns.umich.edu/index.html?Releases/1995/Jul95/chr073195a
“White husbands of career women did not feel anxious about their wives working, Orbuch found, unless they gave up power in the home by participating in housework and child care.
Orbuch found that how Black husbands feel about their wives working depends on family income, however. Black husbands of wage earners are not threatened by their wives’ work if family income is relatively low and a second income is necessary. Nor do they seem to be threatened by participation in housework and child care.
But if family income is not an issue and the wife works because she wants to, not because she has to, then Black husbands are likely to feel depressed, Orbuch found.”
So as we see, black men don’t really expect their women to bring in the bread, but will accept it if it is necessary to make ends meet.
All men want their women to be their lovers and when have black women ever been concerned about harming a man’s ego? Black women are probably the least tactful of all women when addressing their men. And I see few black men looking to their women for counciling or intellectual stimulation. It’s black men with the reputation of not being sensitive and open with their women.
And as the housework and childcare studies show, most black men are more than willing to give. I think that black women are so self centered and resistant to giving of themselves, that any expectation of them doing so is perceived as far greater than it actually is.