I will not ever, not in this lifetime or the here after, date a man, who wears skinny jeans. I could care less about how handsome he is, how nice he is to me, how successful he is. It will not happen. One reason why this will never happen is because I am not attracted to men in skinny jeans. He could be doing and saying all of the most pleasurable things and then once I glance down and see him in those bright orange, skin tight jeans, hugging his every curve, my vagina automatically dries up and falls clean the hell off of me. It then proceeds to whistle down for a cab on the street, gets in said cab, instructs the driver to proceed to my address, once it is a safe distance away, proceeds to call me from its cell phone and says to me “B**ch, are you coming? If not I will see you at home. I had to get out of harms way.”

That is how much I despise skinny jeans and the effect it has had on urban fashion and culture. To put it simple, skinny jeans are a part of the epidemic that is making our men into… For lack of a better word “little bi**hes”. A reasonable person would say that fashion cannot control how a person behaves and is portrayed. My response to that would be that I am in no way a reasonable mothasucka. Pow!

What I am is a woman who knows what she prefers and is of sound mind about those preferences. I also am someone who notices patterns and repetitions among people. I see commonalities. The commonality that I am noticing is that skinny jeans feminizes our men from the outside in and I hate it. Here are the ways in which said feminism relates to the skinny jeans epidemic.

1. Some stores only sell skinny jeans in the women’s department.

You know what that means right? Sure you do. That means that some of the guys who you see walking down the street in their lime green skinny jeans had to purposely purchase those jeans from the women’s department. This was the only way that they could find the jeans that could properly hold and squeeze their buttocks and thighs just right. Ladies you and your man can shop in the same department. No more sending him off to the men’s section while you stroll through the ladies. Won’t that make your shopping experience an even more bonding one?

2. The Colors

I don’t want to see any heterosexual men in fluorescent colored jeans. Unless you are a cross dresser, keep them off. Something about it seems so feminine. I know that I am beginning to tread around politically incorrect topics now. I am saying the things that most people only think and are not brave enough to voice but it is true. I don’t mind the bright colors as much when it is on a shirt. A polo for example. Even that took a while for me to accept. But on tight, crotch squeezing jeans? You can’t wear those around me and expect for me not to stare at you and wonder how your penis is breathing? The upside to this is that now you and your man can match. You have on your hot pink jeans and he has on his hot pink jeans. Sexy!

3. The Styles

Aside from the fact that the jeans are usually ultra tight, did you know that they have skinny jeans for men that are bedazzled out? BEDAZZLED! Meaning they have diamonds and colorful stones stitched into the pants. Why in the world would you want to look like a pretty pretty princess unless you wanted me to treat you like one? I’m not even going to start on the animal print men are getting into. Bleh.

Are We Over Baggy, Saggy, Jeans On Men Ladies?

4. The Tightness

Some women might get a kick out of this but I don’t want to see the pattern of your penis laying to the left side through your jeans. I also don’t want to look at your ass and think that it looks like a perfectly round coconut and become envious of how perfect your ass cheeks look in your jeans compared to mine.

People are so concerned about the sagging jeans problem among young men. Damn that! What about the tight jeans outbreak!? When will we have a city council meeting on that? I don’t want to see the crack of your ass from sagging nor do I want to see the imprint of your penis from your jeans being so tight. Find a happy medium with your fashion choices fellas.

In conclusion, my message to the fellas is to take those damn tight, bright, jeans off. Stop wearing those horrible white t-shirts also. I hate those as well. I always hear guys griping about women who wear weaves, or flip flops with the flowers on them. Well, this our gripe for you guys. Take them off! Don’t even get me started on men wearing jeggings.